Animals Unfolded

One afternoon many years ago, when I was having a conversation with one of my families after their pet died, I heard a response to something I offered in an effort to be 'helpful'. What I didn’t realize is the exchange helped me to see grief very differently, and it eventually pushed me further along on a unique path that led me where I am now. I have no interest in listening to other people talk about their experience losing their pet, about their grief… This resonated with me deeply. At first I thought it was just me because I tend to be exceedingly private about my personal life, and that includes anything regarding the deaths in my midst. Understanding that, in looking back I’m not even sure why I even suggested that a pet loss support group meeting might be helpful to this person. I know now that was widely accepted as just what was available, accessible to those grieving the loss of a pet. I’m better equipped, today. People in pet loss support groups… they’re focu...

On the cusp of a weekend in early-June,  7AM —unexpectedly lying in a hospital bed, after being admitted for a bout of lymphangitis, worried, bleary eyed- and minded—my iPhone was the only thing keeping me company in the dimly-lit, unfamiliar space. Podcasts, working their audible magic after my waking  at 5AM  in an untethered state. Suddenly, the device lit up, bearing the familiar number on the caller ID that I was all-too-thrilled to see at that hour. Yes, finally, something bearing some semblance to my day-to-day, something that in times like that is always welcome: likely a last-minute request from a client to come by and give their dogs some outside time and fun that afternoon, though unfortunately I knew I wouldn't be able to help.  Wrong.  The voice, familiar, though strangely foreign in tone and cadence. I couldn't palpate what it was at first, but as is often the case, it was somehow starkly evident as the words tumbled out. Things were not th...

It’s not uncommon for me to be brought on board by a family to tend to their pet who has received a life-limiting illness or is experiencing age-related decline (in many cases, both)—and for them to have much-younger pets as well. The former tends to be the focus of my care and tending of course, but as any family in this situation will tell you, the other pets become just as much a part of the equation because they’re as much a part of the family unit.  It’s no secret that the younger pets lend a sense of lightness to the overall situation and in themselves offer some respite from the day-to-day changes, decision making, monitoring of a pet who is in delicate health. In fact, I often remind my families that though the pangs of guilt that they experience from having fun with their younger pets and tending to their emotional and mental needs are completely normal, resisting that and setting time aside for play and all else can actually make them a better caregiver to that pet ...

Many years ago, I walked through my first professional experience with death. Being in the midst of a family who was navigating their pet’s decline in health and then the process of being humanely euthanized gave me a very different vantage point of death than I’d ever imagined I’d have. I also knew that I wasn’t as equipped as I could be; experience and time solved that in the coming years. Since that first experience, I’d seen even more than one might expect as a caregiver for pets: countless unexpected deaths, even more terminal diagnoses, age-related decline that had become too complex for the veterinary hospice care plan and medications to manage -- even a couple of pets who died in my care. I consider myself honored to have been a part of that as well as sitting vigil with families during a pet’s final hours, and having asked questions on behalf of a family while Face Timing with them during an unexpected emergency vet visit when they were at a loss for words after hearing new...

“Are you just waiting for her to die?” That was a question that two people—one who I’m closely tied to—asked me when I spoke about plans I was sketching together to travel to a place I’d never been. It was 2015. Puerto Rico had been on my mind. And as a late-bloomer when it had come to traveling, much less doing so alone, it had become an essential mental well-being tool. It also, ironically, helped to squash paralyzing social anxiety that had plagued me into adulthood.  I’d not traveled in the final few months of Gretchen’s life. And as a sole human in the household, I was her main caregiver.  Gretchen was my nearly 16 year-old St. Bernard/shepherd mix. I’m quite certain in imagining the gasp (16!) that invariably escaped from your lips that I need not go into too much detail about how heavy the caregiving was for a geriatric, large breed dog with advanced osteoarthritis, a touch of renal disease and had been recently treated for hemorrhagic gastroenteritis . Gretchen was nev...

Just a couple of weeks ago, our family was faced with what we knew would likely be the inevitable: having to make the decision to contact our beloved 13-year-old Labrador's home-visiting veterinarian to come to the house and intervene, as a diagnosis of cancer over the summer had made things much too difficult for him to manage.  Because of Bruiser's prognosis, in-home hospice and euthanasia was very much a part of the initial dialogue with his vet, Dr. Cathy Theisen , who proved to be a great source of guidance and support throughout his illness. We knew that being at home would be best to allow him to transition more peacefully, though we had to stay open to the idea that there was the off-chance that things may become unexpectedly difficult and taking him to an emergency facility may have been a mindful thing to do.  That final decision did not come easily, of course. It was made after a lot of dialogue, listening, looking clearly. The point of diagnosis to dea...

I often come into a family’s life at a time that’s fraught with fear of the known and unknown, sadness, murky territory. Did I mention tension?  That kind of strain is so pervasive in the area of the fourth life stage and end-of-life. And when it involves our pets, it can be very complicated. No matter if there is one human involved, or   multiple members of a family, the tension is expected. It’s an understandably scary time. In my years working with families finding themselves walking in what some have initially characterized as quicksand, bearing witness to words being tossed like the harshest of barbs is par for the course.  Recalling a stern warning from the instructor at the helm of the professional end-of-life doula training that I took part in years ago, I thought,  ah... I recognize that. “You should not be tolerating verbal abuse in the course of your work...”  And the instructor is absolutely correct: as a professional, as a human being, I need not in...

There have been instances in my practice where, during a conversation, an individual who I’m providing pet loss & grief companioning support to expresses difficulty with all manner of issues not directly related to the distant, recent or anticipatory loss of their pet. It’s expected from time to time. And to some degree, it can be linked to the work we’re doing together. It’s often a fine line that I need to carefully consider & be honest with myself about, & so a little curiosity & reflective listening goes a long way. In some cases, its not blurry: the sticky wicket of something like the death of a human loved one, or maybe having a complicated relationship with a human loved one or experiencing conflicts in the workplace has clearly taken a place front & center for the pet guardian—which is actually a pretty common thing to happen when one is wading through the viscous territory of the grief surrounding pet loss, or feeling the effects heavy duty caregiving....